Hindi Medium and Super 30 had proved that English was not just a language but high social status. The signs were ominous. In a bid to revive Hindi’s dwindling popularity, education ministry of India has decided to incorporate abusive language in school curriculums. State-of-the-art and old favourite cuss words will be taught. Students will also be encouraged to bring in swear words from their regional languages and dialects. In order to maintain hands-on approach and banality, the syllabus will be overseen by gangsters, pimps, Karan Johar, abusive trolls of social media and Chetan Bhagat’s avid readers. This will also ensure mixed representation in the education system. The goal is to make the education system more relatable, realistic, and practical (or throw in any buzz-word to describe a critically-acclaimed fad).
In addition to that, standard literature will be replaced by abridged screenplays of Gangs Of Wasseypur, Pyar Ka Punchnama and some patriotic biopics etc. to make the language plain, over-simplistic and appealing to the students. “We cannot close our eyes to reality. We are dealing with stiff competition from English. There’s no way to surpass its eminence. We can only try to save Hindi from obsolescence,” barked the spokesperson of education ministry.
“Parents rebuke their children if they use Hindi words in their colloquial language. They have done well in passing on their inferiority complex to the young ones. More and more people are undergoing an un-learning course at Karan Johar Foundation to purge Hindi and Urdu from their brains,” he took a drag off his beedi and continued, “Despite being at the helm of our competition, Karan Johar Foundation, it’s nice of Mr Johar to watch over our syllabus to disperse his first-world chops to our programme.”
The spokesperson insisted, “There’s a dire need to make the language hip and happening. Nobody has the attention span to read books in today’s fast-paced world, that too in Hindi. Imagine how enthusiastic kids will be while mugging up Kartik Aryan’s famous monologue from Pyar Ka Punchnama or while quoting invectives from Gangs of Wassseypur to harass fellow students.”
“Isn’t it inappropriate to teach abusive words to kids?” I protested.
“What’s wrong with abusive language? This is how most people, including teenagers, talk in real world. People shield their kids from harsh realities of life, then they protest that kids are getting too sensitive. Abusive language will toughen them up for future. People want education to reflect real-world issues; they must face reality now” he went on like a kid rote-learning a lesson, in the manner of Kartik Aryan’s dialogue delivery.
In order to uphold the sanctity of realism, Hindi literature will also include English words as well as letters: “Just like how people send text messages in real world, though it gets incomprehensible and quite annoying but such is life.”
While continuing the ground-breaking transformation, the new curriculum will substitute poetry with raps from eminent rappers including Badshah. “Nobody even cares about English poetry, let alone Hindi and Urdu shayari. Poetry is useless and unrealistic like song-and-dance routines in movies. Nobody talks like that in real world. Badshah’s rap typifies modern-day linguistic values. It’s realistic, relatable and practical — realistic, relatable and practical — realistic, relatable and practical,” he chanted the slogan with the fervour of a hired political campaigner.
When contended that nobody even talked in rap or hip-hop in real world, he whispered in an admonitory tone, “No anti-national or low IQ questions please.”
“We want language to be vapid and appealing to the students,” he rambled on.
“How could something be vapid and appealing at the same time? Isn’t that a contradiction?” I asked.
“Haven’t you heard of Facebook and Big Brother?” he quipped, followed by a guffaw.
Algebra facing the axe. Erectile Dysfunction likely to be roped in.
In a shocking discovery, erectile dysfunction has been found out as the most common problem faced by school boys. Bhumi Pednekar had proved that in her sensible film Shubh Mangal Saavdhan that schools weren’t teaching kids enough on how to cope with life’s problems like erectile dysfunction, but instead wasting time in worthless pursuits like algebra. As a result, Algebra is likely to be dropped in favour of Erectile Dysfunction. Bhumi Pednekar—who’s considered one of the greatest philosophers ever along with Jayden Smith and Mithun’s son Mimoh Chakraborty—has hailed this move as a “victory of content”. Erectile Dysfunction admitted that it was hard to get selected after being down in the dumps but assured that the rise of highbrow content was inevitable. Algebra expressed no hard feelings at the inevitability of being dropped, although reasoned that “instead of going through a long-winded module at school, the students could simply see a doctor but the movie conveniently failed to stress that point”.
In addition to that, standard literature will be replaced by abridged screenplays of Gangs Of Wasseypur, Pyar Ka Punchnama and some patriotic biopics etc. to make the language plain, over-simplistic and appealing to the students. “We cannot close our eyes to reality. We are dealing with stiff competition from English. There’s no way to surpass its eminence. We can only try to save Hindi from obsolescence,” barked the spokesperson of education ministry.
“Parents rebuke their children if they use Hindi words in their colloquial language. They have done well in passing on their inferiority complex to the young ones. More and more people are undergoing an un-learning course at Karan Johar Foundation to purge Hindi and Urdu from their brains,” he took a drag off his beedi and continued, “Despite being at the helm of our competition, Karan Johar Foundation, it’s nice of Mr Johar to watch over our syllabus to disperse his first-world chops to our programme.”
The spokesperson insisted, “There’s a dire need to make the language hip and happening. Nobody has the attention span to read books in today’s fast-paced world, that too in Hindi. Imagine how enthusiastic kids will be while mugging up Kartik Aryan’s famous monologue from Pyar Ka Punchnama or while quoting invectives from Gangs of Wassseypur to harass fellow students.”
“Isn’t it inappropriate to teach abusive words to kids?” I protested.
“What’s wrong with abusive language? This is how most people, including teenagers, talk in real world. People shield their kids from harsh realities of life, then they protest that kids are getting too sensitive. Abusive language will toughen them up for future. People want education to reflect real-world issues; they must face reality now” he went on like a kid rote-learning a lesson, in the manner of Kartik Aryan’s dialogue delivery.
In order to uphold the sanctity of realism, Hindi literature will also include English words as well as letters: “Just like how people send text messages in real world, though it gets incomprehensible and quite annoying but such is life.”
While continuing the ground-breaking transformation, the new curriculum will substitute poetry with raps from eminent rappers including Badshah. “Nobody even cares about English poetry, let alone Hindi and Urdu shayari. Poetry is useless and unrealistic like song-and-dance routines in movies. Nobody talks like that in real world. Badshah’s rap typifies modern-day linguistic values. It’s realistic, relatable and practical — realistic, relatable and practical — realistic, relatable and practical,” he chanted the slogan with the fervour of a hired political campaigner.
When contended that nobody even talked in rap or hip-hop in real world, he whispered in an admonitory tone, “No anti-national or low IQ questions please.”
“We want language to be vapid and appealing to the students,” he rambled on.
“How could something be vapid and appealing at the same time? Isn’t that a contradiction?” I asked.
“Haven’t you heard of Facebook and Big Brother?” he quipped, followed by a guffaw.
Algebra facing the axe. Erectile Dysfunction likely to be roped in.
In a shocking discovery, erectile dysfunction has been found out as the most common problem faced by school boys. Bhumi Pednekar had proved that in her sensible film Shubh Mangal Saavdhan that schools weren’t teaching kids enough on how to cope with life’s problems like erectile dysfunction, but instead wasting time in worthless pursuits like algebra. As a result, Algebra is likely to be dropped in favour of Erectile Dysfunction. Bhumi Pednekar—who’s considered one of the greatest philosophers ever along with Jayden Smith and Mithun’s son Mimoh Chakraborty—has hailed this move as a “victory of content”. Erectile Dysfunction admitted that it was hard to get selected after being down in the dumps but assured that the rise of highbrow content was inevitable. Algebra expressed no hard feelings at the inevitability of being dropped, although reasoned that “instead of going through a long-winded module at school, the students could simply see a doctor but the movie conveniently failed to stress that point”.
4 comments
Hmmm...interesting
As in good or ugly?
Good and very funny
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion. I had been meaning to try satire for a while. I will be doing more of this in coming weeks.
Post a Comment