Even as English enjoys a high social-status in the world, the ever-so-defeatist English linguists are ironically fighting their own battles of chronic inferiority complex and paranoid delusions that anything in their purview “is in danger”.
“Like Test cricket, the education system and English literature are losing popularity. People find them complicated. We have to find new ways to solicit students to get them some level of education,” said a rather jumpy Methodius Head.
The proposed curriculum will entail drug references and cutting-edge abusive words to make education more real, palpable, pragmatic, dark, gripping and the usual adjectives in a popular movie’s review. Shakespeare’s literature will be scrapped because, apparently it’s time-consuming and kids don’t care for it. “It’s easy to enforce customs in the name of youth. People think that they influence trends, but in truth they only like what we want them to like,” Methodius Head quipped with hysterical laughter.
In order to bridge the gap between academic world and real world, Emojis and GIF images will become a part of the new writing standard. A module in Unimaginative Writing and Mundane Elocution is also recommended to subdue any artistic impulse in students.
“At times students will get an urge to speak like David Attenborough or Nigella Lawson. Majority of people don’t speak in that manner; hence, nobody should be allowed to talk like that. Herd mentality must be preserved at all costs. Thence they will be subject to low-quality auditory dyspepsia from sundry sources. Once in a while, they may feel inspired to write like Charles Dickens or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is where we step in with our expertise in inferiority complex. There will be a systematic course of indoctrination to dampen their enthusiasm. Thereafter they will be exposed to mediocre writings of our certain friends on the internet. In time, every sentence they utter will have words like ‘awesome’, ‘crap’, ‘stuff’ and so forth to make the language more accessible to everyone,” declared Methodius Head in a forced Cockney accent.
In the spirit of the obsessive realist revolution, there are also talks of replacing formal-wear, suits, ties etc. with track-suits as “a logical step into the modern world”. Don’t be surprised if the next James Bond walks into MI6 headquarters in a track-suit.
“Like Test cricket, the education system and English literature are losing popularity. People find them complicated. We have to find new ways to solicit students to get them some level of education,” said a rather jumpy Methodius Head.
The proposed curriculum will entail drug references and cutting-edge abusive words to make education more real, palpable, pragmatic, dark, gripping and the usual adjectives in a popular movie’s review. Shakespeare’s literature will be scrapped because, apparently it’s time-consuming and kids don’t care for it. “It’s easy to enforce customs in the name of youth. People think that they influence trends, but in truth they only like what we want them to like,” Methodius Head quipped with hysterical laughter.
In order to bridge the gap between academic world and real world, Emojis and GIF images will become a part of the new writing standard. A module in Unimaginative Writing and Mundane Elocution is also recommended to subdue any artistic impulse in students.
“At times students will get an urge to speak like David Attenborough or Nigella Lawson. Majority of people don’t speak in that manner; hence, nobody should be allowed to talk like that. Herd mentality must be preserved at all costs. Thence they will be subject to low-quality auditory dyspepsia from sundry sources. Once in a while, they may feel inspired to write like Charles Dickens or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is where we step in with our expertise in inferiority complex. There will be a systematic course of indoctrination to dampen their enthusiasm. Thereafter they will be exposed to mediocre writings of our certain friends on the internet. In time, every sentence they utter will have words like ‘awesome’, ‘crap’, ‘stuff’ and so forth to make the language more accessible to everyone,” declared Methodius Head in a forced Cockney accent.
In the spirit of the obsessive realist revolution, there are also talks of replacing formal-wear, suits, ties etc. with track-suits as “a logical step into the modern world”. Don’t be surprised if the next James Bond walks into MI6 headquarters in a track-suit.
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