Millennialism Is Pseudoscience

What year does a person have to be born in to qualify as a millennial? Some say it’s from 1985 to 1996; some insist it’s 1980 to 1999; others lobby for 1989 to 2000; while some others beg that it’s anybody born after the year 2000. There’s another creed that classifies births between 1996 to 2008 as generation Z. There are clueless adults who throw the term millennial at teens, toddlers and even infants. There are adolescents who allege being millennials.

Stop and think. Isn’t it obvious that whosoever propagated this hyper-simplistic distinction did that on purpose to create chaos, ambiguity, hate and to ultimately divide people?

There is no clear consensus on what constitutes as a millennial. There is no ordinance from any government or any agency in the world. There is no theological reference, ritual or symbolism. There’s no legal document that can pass a person’s status as millennial or non-millennial. There’s absolutely no scientific proof of this segregation. It’s just a pseudo-scientific concept like zodiac signs and numerology. It’s no different from creating social divisions on the basis of blood groups or as Vinaya Bansal wrote in his article “the concept of millennials is as useless a concept as creating organization structures based on zodiac signs”.

It’s not only divisive but robs people of their individuality. It destroys diversity, individual spirit and harmony. There will always be difference of opinion amongst communities, cultures, generations or for that matter people. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the branding that adds fuel to fire. It’s the obsessive usage of the word, the endless incantations on social media that escalate the hatred.

How differently do we regard people born in AD 991 from those born in AD 983? Are 991-born called the original millennials? For that matter how differently are people born in 200 BC viewed from those born in AD 700? Nobody even cares when births are several decades or a few centuries apart. Years and years hence, nobody will judge a 1970-born any different from a 1999-born.

There are already many divisions in the world in the form of religion, ethnicity, caste, skin colour, nationality, political views etc. In any argument involving the term millennial, replace millennial with any religion; you’d get the same old propaganda used by politicians and religious cults to control people. We can do without another division.

Teenager Depressed After Finding Out He’s Not A Millennial

A teenager is in depression after finding out that he doesn’t qualify as a millennial. Four years ago a lady shouted the epithet at him when he inadvertently spilled her coffee whilst gazing on his phone. After that he started seeing and hearing “millennial” everywhere. The more he noticed it, the more it started resonating with him. He embraced it as his identity and started referring to it as his “breed”, “tribe”, “DNA” etc. He engraved a tattoo bearing the word on his arm and wanted one on his forehead but was talked out of it by his parents. He made email addresses, usernames and social media handles with the coveted name. He participated in millennial pride marches. He passionately believed that he had the right to get offended and outraged if any film or book misrepresented his breed. He took to vandalism, burnt effigies of film directors who misrepresented his community. He filed petitions and lawsuits whenever anything hurt his generational sentiments.

“I gave my blood and sweat to the community. I considered older and younger generations as the antagonists. I adhered to all the tropes of identity and cultism. I believed that my way of life was the only truth and would secure me a spot in heaven,” said the sombre youth Cowan Johar.

The first instance of disenchantment occurred when, at Kartik Aryan Film Festival, he shouted, “We killed party animals!” His remark was met with scoffs and sardonic glances from the congregation. He explained himself diffidently, “Did I pronounce any word incorrectly? Is there something wrong with my English? I went to a highbrow school where my entire family had to go through a series of tests, interviews and lifestyle checks before my selection. The kind they showed in the critically-acclaimed movie Hindi Medium. Oh, that was a rare Hindi film I saw. I am a Hollywood fanatic since birth.”

One of the members in the congregation clarified, “There’s nothing wrong with your English and we don't mind what movies anybody watches. It’s just that you didn’t kill party animals. We did. You aren’t a millennial. You are generation Z. You are too young to be a millennial.” A pregnant silence ensued.

“I bowed out, mortified, under the pretext of answering a phone call. I could hear stifled laughs behind me. I hoped the congregation was ill-informed and the entire episode was an aberration. Then a few days later, my five-year-old niece asserted, ‘Uncle Cowan, I am a millennial. You belong to no-name generation. You are too old to be a millennial.’ Coming from a child prodigy like her, that really got me worried,” said Cowan Johar.

“The rude awakening dawned upon me when,” recounted Cowan Johar, “I proposed to my sweetheart. She turned me down reluctantly: ‘My family and friends won’t let me marry a non-millennial. They are very strict. What will people say? The world won’t accept our love. If you were born 98 days later, you might have qualified as a semi-millennial; even so my family is very particular about the ideology of Pure Generation on which millennialism was founded.’ I realised I had been living a lie.”

The final nail in the coffin came when the state refused to recognise him as the citizen of his dream Millennial Rashtra (nation) and forewarned to banish him lest he supplied documents and proofs of his millennial identity.

Experts have called it a “loss of identity and purpose” in his life which can lead to a sense of alienation and worthlessness. He can lapse into online trolling, war-mongering, drugs and terrorism if his identity isn’t rebuilt. Even so, it would take centuries or even millenniums for him to recover from this trauma. Social activists have advised him to join Generation Z, the subsequent generation, but he has unequivocally rejected the offer: “They want me to convert to a just-another bland, alphabetically-named generation. Haven’t we had enough of Gens ABCXYZ? It just doesn’t have the ring of millennial.”

He has joined a support group where has met people in similar situation. “In particular there’s a 1985-born who has a similar story to mine. After years of championing the notion Millennial Khatre Mein Hai [Millennials are in danger], he was suddenly told that he was not a millennial. He presented a proof from a news report that mentioned Saudi Arabia’s Prince Salman, who’s also born in 1985, as a ‘millennial prince’. However, his plea was quickly rejected following opposing claims from sundry sources. Some custodians of society say that he can be accepted as a ‘borderline millennial’ but not pure millennial, while others argue that any form of acceptance is out of question. Who makes these rules? Is there a book of laws that decides who’s what?” he spoke in a contemplative mood.

“In my childhood we kids from different age groups used to play football in the neighbourhood. We invited one another to our birthday parties without asking who belonged to what brand of generation. Nobody cared who or what was millennial, gen X, gen XX or gen XXX. No one judged you for that,” related a pensive Cowan Johar.

“Politicians exploited me to secure millennial vote bank and now that I am of no use, they have shunned me like people shun their broke relatives. I vehemently endorsed this political party with the hope they would fulfil their promises, including my ultimate fantasy Millennial Rashtra. Now that the Millennial Rashtra is a strong possibility, they tell me that I am not a millennial. At the time of elections, my voter card and passport were enough for them. Now they want me to furnish a pile of documents to establish my generational identity,” he protested.

“Where will I obtain those documents and mathematical proofs from? Is that even possible? Do they even exist?” he collapsed into a fountain of tears, knowing very well the answers to his own rhetorical questions.

Dumbing Down of English Language and Education System

Even as English enjoys a high social-status in the world, the ever-so-defeatist English linguists are ironically fighting their own battles of chronic inferiority complex and paranoid delusions that anything in their purview “is in danger”.

“Like Test cricket, the education system and English literature are losing popularity. People find them complicated. We have to find new ways to solicit students to get them some level of education,” said a rather jumpy Methodius Head.

The proposed curriculum will entail drug references and cutting-edge abusive words to make education more real, palpable, pragmatic, dark, gripping and the usual adjectives in a popular movie’s review. Shakespeare’s literature will be scrapped  because, apparently it’s time-consuming and kids don’t care for it. “It’s easy to enforce customs in the name of youth. People think that they influence trends, but in truth they only like what we want them to like,” Methodius Head quipped with hysterical laughter.

In order to bridge the gap between academic world and real world, Emojis and GIF images will become a part of the new writing standard. A module in Unimaginative Writing and Mundane Elocution is also recommended to subdue any artistic impulse in students.

“At times students will get an urge to speak like David Attenborough or Nigella Lawson. Majority of people don’t speak in that manner; hence, nobody should be allowed to talk like that. Herd mentality must be preserved at all costs. Thence they will be subject to low-quality auditory dyspepsia from sundry sources. Once in a while, they may feel inspired to write like Charles Dickens or Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is where we step in with our expertise in inferiority complex. There will be a systematic course of indoctrination to dampen their enthusiasm. Thereafter they will be exposed to mediocre writings of our certain friends on the internet. In time, every sentence they utter will have words like ‘awesome’, ‘crap’, ‘stuff’ and so forth to make the language more accessible to everyone,” declared Methodius Head in a forced Cockney accent.

In the spirit of the obsessive realist revolution, there are also talks of replacing formal-wear, suits, ties etc. with track-suits as “a logical step into the modern world”. Don’t be surprised if the next James Bond walks into MI6 headquarters in a track-suit.