Mind Crime

My beliefs have always formed my conduct. Mind has been the scene of crime or triumph — it chose whatever I shot. The Obstacle reappeared because I had never believed that I could get rid of it. I had myself vanquished by 7210 because I never believed that I could surmount it. For the same reasons I struggled throughout Moment.

The reel isn’t all about despondency. The mind has also been the scene of triumph. After 7209 and 7202, I had lost hope about everything — but for two or three days only.

Friday, 18-1: After concluding the latter, in a state of hopelessness, I first updated my address in the office and embarked on a marathon walk on an unfamiliar road. I had taken an alternative route to home and lost my way by mistake. After walking on a long, straight road, I found myself outside the city. Thereafter I turned and walked back towards my original starting point. The entire journey took more than an hour (I don’t remember the exact time).

During the walk, I had thought of several possible strategies to counter the disarray that I had put myself in. One of them was to take advantage of the clause that allowed me to pick my options, and sign up again for one component even it would be 7205. Its sanctioning, however, seemed highly improbable; moreover I lacked pecuniary resources required for that. I returned to the Site, however, with the intention of discussing the matter with my advisor, Thomo. As my luck would have it, Thomo wasn’t in his office at that time, so I left for home. Incidentally that day was also a child’s birthday. Outside his building, I received a phone call about it and felt vindicated.

I deleted my account on a social-networking portal, which was, in a way, symbolic of isolating myself from world. And I went to sleep. I slept for several hours, woke up and slept again. I don’t remember eating anything that day, nor do I have much recollection of other details due the extreme amount of stress and despair I was in.

Saturday, 19-1: The next day was pretty much the same. I wrote an email to a friend. At night I went to Ode and decided to let go of my worries for a few hours.

From the next day onwards I decided to continue that momentum and deal with that issue on the date of Judgement and ‘live’ until then. I actually lived to the fullest — perhaps it was the last time when I had done so. I dealt with Aon on 21 and acquired layers of WM. I savoured them for next few days. After a few days, the momentum, propelled by a sanguine and propitious ambience, channelled positive energy. I believed that 7209 could be surmounted and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I rejoiced for the next 17–18 days.

In that process I ignored 7201 completely. I had no other option. Otherwise it would have revivified the negativity and recidivated my pessimism. Furthermore, 7201 expedition appeared to be tentative because of the apparent debacles of 7202 and ‘09.

Thursday, 7-2: The deadline for registration was 8-2, though 7209 would later be terminated after the day of Reckoning. I had to look into the proposals and start the formal procedure even though the entire exercise seemed futile. I would have looked into it much earlier and met the modulators in advance, if the scripts had not been altered. On Thursday night I started frantically looking into the proposals and emailed Rico at night (or past midnight, Friday).

Friday, 8-2: On the R-Day, I woke up early to check my email, but I found nothing. An hour later, I saw Rico’s email, who informed me that someone else had taken up that vacancy. I felt dejected and irresolute, fearing that I would have to charter unfamiliar territories. However, post-script slightly lifted my morale: he casually stated that I was free to contact other superintendents involved with it. I would not have done that, as I had believed that they were jointly in charge of it.

I subsequently emailed Emilio and Steven and waited for their response, in a state of my customary nervous inebriation followed by sporadic naps till evening. Thereafter I decided to savour the weekend and shelve the matter till Monday.

Monday, 11-2: I received Emilio’s email in the morning, with an apology for the delayed reply, asking me to meet him at his office in the afternoon. I had to wait outside his office for a few minutes. And as the miracle would have it, Emilio became the bearer of a propitious piece of news: he unofficially relayed the triumphant outcome, a few days in advance and gave me the nod to embark on 7201. He expressed his inability to superintend it himself, and hence, relayed me to Arthur. Despite the jitters that I had felt on the Thursday night (which was natural for the condition that I was in), the outcome didn’t come as a surprise to me, only due to the transformation I had undergone before.

Preliminary tender was on Friday, 15-2 and Seminar on Wednesday, 20-2. Emilio, however, exercised flexibility in my case and extended my deadline for the former to 20-2, on the date of the Seminar. I stayed a bit apprehensive and deferred looking into Artur’s 7201’s scenario until I formally received the news from Thomo on 18-1.

I had done it. My mind was the scene of triumph. My only discontentment was that I couldn’t really celebrate that moment, due to the dual-deadline of 20-2. But all was well that ended well: I had surmounted that hurdle with my self-belief and sanguinity.

The Butterfly Effect

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."

"Choices are hinges of decision."

"Life is the sum of all your choices."

It all comes down to decisions. It's the butterfly effect. Today I am not referring to my despondent existence but a decision made in a momentary fit of rage that unruffled my 'healing'. By not managing my lunacy I have not only stooped several steps lower, but also deprived myself of the event that I looked forward to regularly since November. Had I not lost my temper, I wouldn't have stayed awake. If I hadn't stayed awake, we wouldn't have met. If we hadn't met, I would have got it.

Those sporadic correspondences have been quite helpful in this unremitting depression. Whenever I am dejected, they come and unwittingly cheer me up. They took care of February. And when the phone call came in March, they again reappeared. On this 13th they would have had a similar effect, but I blew up that opportunity. It was like bowling a no-ball in the final over and losing a match that was mathematically impossible to lose before that. Moreover that burst has left me with deep guilt. A moment of aberration has caused a major upheaval. I keep wondering what have I become.

I am feeling better for the last few hours and I have decided to dedicate myself to an important writing task due later this year. But it's essential that I lie low for a few weeks or a month and continue the chain again.

Quotes:
[1]Edwin Markham and Pythagoras.
[2]David Russell.
[3]Albert Camus.